Calm down, deep breaths.

Comparisons are easily done

2009-11-27T00:24:36Z

I should have seen this coming, from the way you treated other people. I guess I'm just like any other friend of yours, easily thrown aside to be forgotten. In fact, I should have seen so many other things coming. But I'd need to tell myself not to regret over and over again about all my life decisions.

Some people can truly make you feel like they genuinely care about you. I don't mean it in the "lovers" way, but just as friends. Like how the response in a simple MSN conversation can tell. You know that the person on the other side is just so eager to chat with you, to catch up with you from the pace of the conversation. The replies come quick. No hesitation. Just speaking what comes to your head and your heart first. Don't you think such conversations are so much more enjoyable than those in which you wait for minutes just for a one word reply? I really dislike how some people take ages to reply when you're talking serious, as though they're pretending they can't care less about you.

I can't wait to step into the HK airport. It's always given me this special feeling, since I was 6 maybe? It's the only place that makes me feel the welcomed. The feeling of it giving me a big, warm hug. Telling me where My heart truly belongs. I've grown to love going back to HK alone since a couple of years ago, because it allows me to take in this wonderful feeling from every radiating corner of the place. And of course, there are the people waiting for you behind those gates.

Already gone.

2009-11-26T11:11:49Z

I just feel so drained of emotions all of a sudden. Well, to be exact, drained of positive ones.

Uninterested. Indifferent. Uncaring. Selfish? I just suddenly thought of you. Of the words you once said. All those empty promises. You've changed so much ever since, and we've not spoken to each other in ages. It just angers me, how you can so easily neglect everything that you once claimed you cared about. You made excuses, I was fine with it at that point of time, but I guess, not anymore. I don't even think you'll even read this anymore, and might probably not know that I'm referring to you.

I got a letter today. I dunno if what I'm feeling is even disappointment. The feeling of disappointment has changed so much, ever since I came to Melb, ever since I left what truly is "the comfort zone". Does it make you feel empty? Because that's what I feel right now. I really wish someone I love right now would come and hold me, for the rest of tonight, and make me feel as though nothing else matters. I think I've been watching too much romance. Stories always have happy endings, but real life doesn't necessarily provide that. Wake up Onyu, wake up.

Expectations, can really make you feel so much pain.

Love you anyway

2009-11-25T11:38:11Z

Onyu says (10:33 PM):
meoww
peiqi. says (10:34 PM):
woof woof
Onyu says (10:34 PM):
chirp chirp
peiqi. says (10:34 PM):
ping pong
Onyu says (10:34 PM):
wtf???
how's that an animal sound???
peiqi. says (10:35 PM):
i dont know
i cant think of anymore
Onyu says (10:36 PM):
LOL
there are tonnes of other animals in the world!!!

Yup I've been spending lots of quality time with KPQ since Jess left. Haha I hope I'm not getting influenced by her retardedness. Can't wait for the weekends when KPW finishes with her exams then we can party! <3

Breathing gets harder, even I know that.

2009-11-25T04:04:23Z

Today's the first time in ages that I'm spending a full day alone. Not seeing anyone I know, just enjoying the peace and serenity, listening to many many awesome songs. Of course I still miss the usual people that I'm not seeing and eggcited as hell to be back next week! But some alone-time is always awesome and good for the soul aye?

Been packing my room, and clearing up some junk. My laptop and iTunes included! Makes me feel so damn accomplished and... clean? Watched 3 movies in a short span of 24hr too. Okay I'm gonna go create a lists of things to do (and buy) before I leave Melb, things to buy back in SG & HK (and stick to it and not buy nonsense that I won't even use in the end) and then plan my timetable because I keep thinking that's there's not enough time to spend with my beloved people. Shingz. Sometimes I think I'm so overly organized that the other side of me is afraid and just ends up not following any plans. Kbyelove.

Ain't nobody wants to be alone

2009-11-20T14:24:32Z

I'm kinda disliking the fact that I'm the only child now because I'll never get to bitch about my parents with someone else who actually shares the same exact crazy pair.

Candleburn

2009-11-20T04:51:03Z

Life is just so fucking crazy honestly. I don't think there's any better way to describe it right now (or maybe my vocabulary just became limited due to the boiling anger). Tell me how to be grateful, to be thankful, and to appreciate life, when the people you thought understood you can just make you feel the two extremes of positive and negative emotions one after another. I feel as though I'm living life strapped on a roller-coaster. I know the overall ride is meant to bring you joy, but in the process fear and whatnot develops and you just never know when you're going down the hill, nor when the fall will ever end. So then you wished you never agreed to take this ride, but someone just pushes you from the back and tadah the cart starts to move.

Sometimes I wonder if I even grew up the right way, the way all parents wanted their children to. All these independence, making your own decisions cos it's your life not mine and shit, I'm beginning to think that I was never ready for it, but the cloak was just thrown on me when I was far too young and I was forced to freaking wear it even though it was oversized.

I really hate how people start sprouting shit before they even put down the phone properly, as though it was on purpose that they wanted the person on the phone to hear the "interesting" start of his or her new conversation, somewhat like a teaser. It's not too bad when what you hear is positive, but when you hear insults about you, it just fucking hurts so much more.

So fucking pissed that I don't even feel like going for dinner any more. And worse, not that eager to go home. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. The weather and flies aren't making life much easier right now. I really wished this didn't happen especially when I'm already dealing with so many other pent up emotions and just 2 days to the last fucking paper. Listening to my favourite emo-nemo song in hopes counter-attacking this dreadful feeling.

Le Sigh

2009-11-18T23:20:41Z

I wonder... since when has loving the parents become this tough.

It's a very very mad world.

2009-11-13T06:27:04Z

What's one thing that keeps you sane, and at times can drive you to the wall?

Sucks doesn't it. There's nothing on earth that has an absolute value anymore.

What an epic night.

2009-11-08T13:38:20Z

-

2009-11-04T11:14:23Z

Transitions are never meant to be easy, and things really do happen for a reason. But at least now I know, miracles do happen, too.

Value

2009-10-30T13:12:03Z

I need to be contented with what I have in my life right now. And not give a piece of my mind to unnecessary thoughts that might potentially hurt my own feelings. I need to start learning not to take credit, especially when someone doesn't offer them. It probably means that the person did not appreciate my efforts am I right? Moreover, I can't judge, because who knows, in somebody else's eyes I might appear to be just as ignorant. After all, it's better to give than to receive.

You might think that you're cool being the way you are, but let me tell you this, I just can't care less anymore.

It's 30 days to home, back to my little comfort zone. It's been another hell of a year. I'm glad I made it this far. And I'm glad with all that my Lord has provided me with.

On a lighter note, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! (Nope I don't smoke don't worry.)

Random

2009-10-13T12:16:54Z

Onyu says (11:14 PM):
I NEED TO PEE BUT JEHSICAH IS BATHING
HOWZZZZZZ
peiqi. says (11:14 PM):
LOL
peiqi. says (11:15 PM):
HMMMM
PEEEEEE ON HER PLANT
Onyu says (11:15 PM):
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I <3 KPQ. :D

Your light will shine when all else fades

2009-10-11T00:54:25Z

I should probably start embracing the position I'm at right now, just in case it's too late again. At least for now, I'm beginning to appreciate what I once had, and still have. Exams are in a month's time. Hopefully I won't be wasting it away. Don't wanna feel the shitty feeling/anticipation that I had for the previous round.

I've been much happier recently I noticed. Loving the company(ies) that I hang out with. Forgot to mention that Sydney had been a blast! Had great fun with the girls! Maybe Uni isn't that bad after all (when you minus all the work, who am I kidding?!). Heh.

So little time, so much to do, so much to think about. But I should think less lest I get overwhelmed again and save myself the hassle of pulling myself up together again.

Fear

2009-10-04T14:25:20Z

I'm afraid of:

- Losing loved ones to death
- Missing out on people's lives
- Others seeing me cry
- Disappointment
- Uncertainty
- What people think about me
- Apologizing/Admitting my mistakes
- Having to meet expectations (including those set by myself)
- Being kept in the dark
- Being the last
- My own future

It's all for the better good

2009-08-31T12:52:17Z

Have you ever wondered why each time somebody flares up and screams whatsoever, the next thing they do is walk (scurry) away? Well, I think I do it due to the shame of losing my temper over stupid things.

At the moment, school is just draining, and I'm recovering (or at least trying to) from my flu, but looking at the weather forecasts and experiencing the real deal outdoors, I'll probably take way longer than expected. On a lighter note, I'll be fasting from Facebook from 1st-21st September. So my dear friends back home, please don't think that I died or something. You can still call or SMS me! Or even better, tweet me! Miss you all by the way! To those who are dealing with the A levels, study real hard because everything is worth it, especially if we're meeting in HK at the end of the year for a kick-ass holiday!

Fuck "Everything will be fine"

2009-08-17T14:01:51Z

Every time I hear that song, I can't help it but __________. Seems like there's so many things that I haven't let go off, but yet I know I really wanna move on. There's also so many things in my life right now that I cannot tolerate, that I regret. Sometimes I tell myself to think more positively, but reality always seem to just go round the corner and kick me in the ass again. There's so many things I want so many people to know. But I don't wanna hurt them, nor get myself hurt. So badly wanna go into isolation but that's hardly even an option. Fuck optimism. I've had enough of the pretense I have to put myself up with.

Don't Know Why

2009-07-29T15:19:08Z

Last night, I dreamt of you. Now, I'm wondering if I should do what I've been thinking of doing all these while.

Home

2009-07-25T14:29:06Z

I wish I never had to leave, so that I didn't have to shed those tears. This aching and burning feeling inside of me, it's making me so weak. The only thing I can do right now is to pray to the Lord, that he'll take all these pain away from me.

Hate myself for being such a crybaby.

Guilty for the Luck

2009-05-06T16:15:13Z

I never thought I'd say this of myself, but yes, I'm beginning to think I'm a crybaby. Maybe I just hadn't known myself well enough for the past 18 years, and this fact hit me only because it came out of the mouth of someone else. Perhaps I had been afraid, afraid of knowing who I am, afraid of knowing what I might be afraid of, afraid of what others might see, or what others might see pass the wall that I've built.

Home-run. Ouch.

I think I need a hug.

Broken, Shaken

2009-04-04T06:37:00Z

Crack. The line extends, slowly weaving its way through the once strong and sturdy looking table leg. You then see that the towering jars above begin to quiver and you panic at the sight of it. What will you do next?

Before you could even reach out to remove the jars, you hear the deafening sounds of the glass coming down, one by one, smashing hard on the ground.

At this point of time, most people would die for a rewind, but sadly in life, "rewind" was never an option. All you can do now is pick up the pieces and attempt to bring back what's left to be what it once was. You then question yourself pathetically, why weren't you just smart enough to have decided what's best to do earlier and acted quicker, or not have placed too many jars on the table in the first place, which resulted in the overwhelming pressure?

And you still can't believe your fate as you feel a speck of tear falling onto the glistening mess.

Gotta Be Somebody

2009-03-31T12:28:02Z

It's at times like this, people tend to wish they were everything they were not. They just can't get enough of satisfaction. Like the excitement you get when you swipe that little handy card of yours at the counter, not taking your eyes off the item that will soon be your latest possession. But as soon as you take a step out of the shop and into the next, you'll probably forget what you just got, and your eyes are just desperately scanning the massive shop, looking for something else that can bring the next (short-lived) joy into your pathetic little life.

How I wish...
I have all the riches I ever dreamed of having,
I am back in SG celebrating the joy of the band's first ever Gold with Honours in its entire history,
I have more brains to do well in my studies,
I AM BETTER AT SOFTBALL SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO GET WHACKED SO BAD BY THE BALL THAT MY WRIST IS SWOLLEN.

In need of a break, a sky up, so that I can recover some inner peace. A good book will probably do me some good, but really, tell me how am I suppose to find more time to spare? I really envy the talented, the intelligent, the all-rounders, the rich... Seriously how do they manage to make it so far???

If You Can See Me Now

2009-03-19T04:35:27Z

When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world, or even have some sort of ceremonious ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

Enjoyed reading this book so much sometime back in January I almost cried my eyeballs out at the end and had my parents' customers giving me weird looks. Wanted to get it for Jessica as a birthday gift, but sadly I couldn't find it anywhere in town. Heard there's gonna be a movie on it, but as always, it'll be nothing near being as good as the book itself.

Get back to work Onyu. NOW.

Romantica

2009-03-18T14:22:15Z

I miss the friends seriously. School's been such a pain in the ass. Jap quiz in Week 3 of school?! Luckily it turned out fine, much thanks to the invention of the good ol' iPhone. Yeah so as I was saying, I'm missing everyone so damn badly! I haven't been online much, and even if I am, I'm too tired to chat with anyone or I'm just too busy to reply. Sometimes I really do feel so guilty. It's like I'm blocking everyone and everything from my life just cos I'm too caught up with myself. I haven't even spoken to my parents properly since the start of last week.

Jerald just called! I was so so so excited! He told me he was already enlisted! Gosh. How fast time flies. I really miss you buddy. Thanks for the call, though I doubt you'll ever read this.

Gossip Girl Episode 18 is just so ARGH. Why is there even such a thing as fate? It ain't much fun seriously.

Caught Shopaholic with Jess, PQ, PW and Melissa on Tues. Quite a nice show I'd say. More movies over the weekend hopefully if my movie marathon planning goes well!

Haha, guess what. This is totally random but I suddenly thought of my primary school's school song. It sounds so cute still, really.

Yes if you still haven't figured out, I'm bored and lonely and kinda sick cos Jess is on the jet plane back to SG for her sister's wedding! Poor me is gonna lead a loner's life for the next couple of days.

Did I mention that I desperately need a jobl? And more free time in a day as well. And lots of money. And for my hair to grow quicker. And a holiday trip out of Melbourne to de-stress. And a bigger brain. And and and...

Good stuff here btw!

Friday the 13th

2009-03-13T13:19:13Z

A mixture of yin and yang.

Woke up with the worst dream. So as mentioned in my previous post, my mom's cat passed away. And I dreamt of her last night. Her being chased by a grizzly bear and the both of us were running for our lives (surprisingly it wasn't in the forest, but a pretty modern looking room, something like a clinic). So I was running ahead of them all and apparently this metallic rack fell on top of the bear, pinning it to the ground, but unfortunately it managed to get hold of my mom's cat in it's mouth and it just refused to let go though it was obviously in great pain. And I can recall this part of the dream very well because the sight of my mom's cat wailing in pain was so unforgettable. The pain I saw in her eyes and heard in her cries made my heart ached so much, the same feeling that hit me when I said my goodbye to her before I left HK and when I heard of her death. I had no idea how, but she managed to get out of the bear's grip. The area at her belly was badly injured and this next part is where it still puzzles me. I finally woke up from the dream cos I, PHYSICALLY IN REAL LIFE, SCRATCHED MY OWN WAIST. And yup the mark is still there.

Cute guy is not in my Japanese Seminar 2 as well! Where have you gone? I've not seen you in ages and all I know about you is where you are from and what your name is. ))))))))))))))))):

Chemistry practical. Apparently 2 idiots who were doing make up sessions took Chrystal's and my space. So we had to find partners. But it was not exactly bad. Cos I didn't have to think on my own two feet about what nonsense to write in the report.

Ponned 2 lectures in the evening cos I just felt like it which resulted in good shopping in the evening. :D & :S & :D & :S & :D & :S

Got home to cook so as to save money. But as I was getting up to switch on the fan (stupid Melb weather), the chair fell onto my bowl of yummy Tonkatsu noodles and half of it was on the mat so Jess and I had to clean up and chuck it into the washing machine and then cook more food. This then caused us to only reach the gym at 8 40 PM but it was closing at 9 PM so we just decided to hang around outside and wait for Weian cos it felt stupid to go home. Went to Lygon Court to read magazines in Borders and then Safeway-ed and now I'm here typing this very messy post because I'm falling asleep and I feel sick and I'm supposed to call Kenneth Lee Tee Keong at 1 cos he made me.

But yay new bag and shoes omgggggggggg. :P

P.S. Chords is the bomb and ultimate pro-ness. She didn't know I'm in Uni already?!?!?!?!

Most Certainly Not Alright

2009-03-07T13:56:46Z

Screwed up Melbourne Uni. They keep messing with the timetables. Can't. Bloody. Stand. It. Anymore.